An honest look at my messy father-founder life

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An honest look at my messy father-founder life

The superhuman tech founder who puts in 80-hour weeks, has a perfect sleep score, works out every day, eats organically (and supplements, of course), and somehow still manages to be a fully present father and spouse.

This has become a trope among founders and CEOs who claim to have it all. They are “always on” to keep the business moving quickly, yet they have firm boundaries between work and family. They reject work-life balance for work-life integration, as though that increases the number of hours there are in a day. They say we can achieve the same as long as we manage our time well, as though color-coding our calendar correctly unlocks a multiverse where we can be a 100% father, a 100% spouse, and a 100% founder at the exact same time.

Let’s be honest. That is performative—and impossible. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just really terrible with my time. But I doubt I’m the only one. Between diapers, bedtimes, and meltdowns, we only have so much time. And now with two kids, I physically can’t even be a 100% father to both of them at the same time, let alone be a spouse and a founder too.

You know what? I think that’s perfectly fine. I would rather acknowledge the limits and make intentional trade-offs than pretend I can have it all. My parents worked 363 days a year to get their business off the ground while my aunts looked after my siblings and me. They missed our bath times, school excursions, and graduations. They chose to give us a financially comfortable life at the expense of time with us, and they didn’t sugarcoat it.

That said, it also isn’t a clear-cut choice between family and business. My parents, for instance, always brought us to their car workshop during our school holidays to spend time with us while running their business. Even though I have chosen to spend more time with my wife and children than my parents did, it would be dishonest of me to claim that, unlike them, I fully prioritize my family over my business and myself. The reality is much more complicated than having it all or prioritizing a single thing over everything else.

I have simply made a different set of trade-offs from what my parents chose. To enjoy more morning madness and bedtime battles with my kids, I’m building my business more slowly than VCs would like; I’ve cut back on my fitness training from about 14 hours per week to just 2 to 3 hours per week; and I also don’t go on business trips or evening meetups. But I also send my kids to daycare so that I can work on my business and date my wife during the day (we haven’t been on a date night in more than three years). I’m typing this at a cafe near the clinic where my wife is undergoing a small operation while our kids are in school.

I love being a dad; it’s my favorite and most important job. But I don’t want to be just a dad. I’m also a husband and a founder.

So yeah, it’s complicated. It’s messy. But it’s honest.

Here’s a real look at a day in my life as a hands-on dad building a business around his family.

• 6:00 am: Wake up, hopefully before my kids. They are up anywhere between 5:30 and 7:00 am.
• 7:00 am: Morning with my family, school drop-off, and grocery shopping for dinner.
• 8:30 am: Morning workout and breakfast, with my wife if she isn’t working that day.
• 9:30 am: Focused writing. I write at least two short articles, one for my dad newsletter and one for Fernsage.
• 1:00 pm: Lunch with my wife, or I eat and try to read.
• 1:30 pm: Another focused block. I either write my weekly letter or work on Fernsage. For the latter, I can be adding new features, marketing, or talking to potential customers.
• 4:30 pm: Cook dinner, then take a short 15- to 30-min break with my wife.
• 6:00 pm: School pickup, evening with my family, and bedtime for my children.
• 10:30 pm: My bedtime.
• 1:00/4:00 am: My son cries for me to accompany him in his room or my daughter cries for milk.

To put it simply, my normal day is split into five main blocks: family, workout, writing, Fernsage, family. There are days that blow up the routine, like when my kids contracted HFMD and were home for 10 days. For those, I usually drop my routine entirely and follow my children’s needs. I still want to write at least a little, so I try to write while they nap. These extraordinary days are when my trade-offs shine. By giving up on a stable, well-paying job and running my business solo, I gain complete control over my time. I don’t worry about running out of childcare leave (because I have none to begin with!) or feel guilty about dropping my work last minute and burdening my colleagues. On such days, I can truly say my children come first.

Please don’t take my schedule above as a model to follow, though. It is shaped by the very specific trade-offs I made for my family, my business, and myself; yours should follow your trade-offs. Even then, this isn’t my ideal day yet. When my children can sleep more soundly and I can get better sleep, I would love to write a little more before my family is up. I also want to schedule time for reading. As Stephen King wrote in his memoir, On Writing, “If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” I’m also working to get my business stable before my son goes to primary school, so I can spend my afternoons with him.

The life of a father-founder is much messier and more complicated than what the media or influencers like to portray. I would love to have more time with my children, go on more dates with my wife, grow my business faster, and be fitter. But I also know I can’t have more of one without giving up some of another.

I don’t have it all. But I have all I chose.

This week’s daily reminders

• Day 29: Two sets of threes
• Day 30: We are only mortal
• Day 31: Give them the chance to struggle
• Day 32: You already know what you ought to do
• Day 33: The real coaches and teachers
• Day 34: Compare them only with themselves

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