Some things can't be forced

Most mornings, I'm the North Wind in Aesop's fable.

The North Wind and the Sun were arguing over which was stronger. To determine the winner, they competed to make a passing traveler remove his cloak. The Wind blew hard. But the harder it blew, the tighter the man wrapped his cloak around him. The Sun simply shone warmly. As it got hotter and hotter, the traveler took off one layer after another.

Warmth and patience get further than force.

I learned this the hard way through my son's meltdowns. Whenever I forced him to get dressed, brush his teeth, or shower, he would become even more upset and resistant. It often turned into a battle where we both became drained and angry at each other—and he still hadn't changed, brushed, or showered.

I get frustrated because these are routines we do every day, yet he hasn't gotten used to them. But he likely hates being pulled away from his toys and told what to do. Gradually, I discovered that my son likes to do things at his own pace. When he is ready and in a good mood, he will even tell me that he wants to brush his teeth. Until then, I try to play with him rather than nag him.

We want our children to do this and that, for their own good. We don't want them to have tooth decay, do we? When they don't comply, we use force. If we are separating two fighting siblings or preventing a kid from playing with a knife, force is necessary. But often the simpler approach is to be understanding and patient, to recognize that they don't feel ready yet and be willing to wait a little.

The worst is when force backfires and makes them hate the activity itself. For instance, many parents want their children to do well in school and send them for additional tutoring. But being forced to attend extra classes that they don't like can cause them to feel overwhelmed and hate learning. They gain facts but lose their curiosity, defeating the purpose of education. (This happened to me!)

The next time you can't get your children to do something, be the Sun.