Remember your privileges

In the opening lines of The Great Gatsby, Nick Carraway shares some advice from his father, which we should internalize and pass to our children:

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. ‘Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,’ he told me, ‘just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.’

There are two parts to the advice. First, we should recognize the advantages we have. We tend to envy big houses and nice cars and forget we have enough. But money is only one kind of advantage. Having a happy, stable family, having parents who are present and loving, and growing up in a safe and enriching environment are advantages, too. Most of us don’t think about this, but being born healthy is a major advantage. Rick Hoyt, whom I wrote about previously, was born with cerebral palsy (though he was blessed with parents who never gave up on him). Admittedly, I only started to understand many of my privileges when I became a parent.

Second, we should be more understanding when people act in ways we deem inappropriate. This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but rather trying to understand why those people acted the way they did. I heard a helpful thought experiment from Shane Parrish several years ago: “When you see someone doing something that doesn’t make sense to you, ask yourself what the world would have to look like to you for those actions to make sense.” It will likely be a very different world from the one you grew up in. A person who grew up worrying about their next meal might be far more protective of their money than someone who never had to think about money. As Nick Carraway’s father told him, “all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

As we practice this, we also have to teach our children the privileges they have. You might think you haven’t given your children much. But they already have an advantage: a father who wants to become better for them.