Children need models more than they need critics

Children need models more than they need critics.

— Joseph Joubert (French moralist and essayist)

It is easy to fall into the trap of criticizing our kids, even when we mean well. Why isn't your bed made? Don't you say that word again! How can you be so selfish and not share your toys with your little sister? If you don't work hard, you will fail in life!

But Joseph Joubert reminds us, "Children only obey their parents when they see their parents obeying the rule. Order and rule, once established and recognized, are the strongest of powers."

Criticism only tells a child what not to do; a role model shows them what to do. They do what we do; they say what we say. You know this if you have accidentally said "Oh shit!" and your kid repeated you immediately.

Whenever we see a behavior that we do not like, it is an opportunity to reflect on our own behaviors first. Are we behaving the way we want them to behave? "But I don't go around screaming at people angrily," you might argue. Sure. But when they melt down and hit you, do you snap? When they refuse to sleep and keep wanting to play, can you remain patient? When they refuse to do something seemingly simple like brushing their teeth, do you threaten them?

Practically, telling children not to do something only highlights the forbidden action without giving their developing brain a clear picture of the desired behavior. We can tell them what to do instead. Better yet, we should show them what to do.